New Murphy's Laws & Meta-Laws

Version 2.10 of 14/10/2020-1:31 p.m.

"Everything is NOT going to be OK"

Murphy Hippo
(Source Unknown)

Proem

In the beginning, there was . Next, The Gods were created, who in turn created man, woman and beast to fuel their immortality. Then, all of a sudden, a huge, high-speed, red, flying Pentacle, appeared out of nowhere and started illuminating The Universe with red color of wavelength 660nm. When the humans saw the huge and flying, red Pentacle, they were scared to death and they marveled and pondered: "Who is more powerful? The Gods or The Pentacle?", so they then proceeded to ask the Great Delphi Oracle, who gave them the following Laws, as a punishment to their proud curiosity.

Meta-Laws

  1. "The moment you think it's x, it changes to not x" --- Confusius' Fundamental Meta-Law of Opposite Reversal.
  2. "The best way to predict reality, is to know exactly what you DON'T want" --- Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law of Scientific Forecasting.
  3. "Murphy's Law gets suspended ONLY when you start believing in Jesus" --- Miraculas' Fundamental Meta-Law of Human Experience.

The Universe

  1. "The Universe was created just in order to ANNOY you and to PROVE that you are a LOSER. If you resist it, it will annoy you MORE and you will be proven a BIGGER LOSER. If you stop resisting it, it will STILL annoy you and you will STILL be proven a LOSER. Therefore the best path for you is to become immune to its annoyance, accept that you are a LOSER anyway and get the fuck out of its way" --- Purposi's Fundamental Laws for The Purpose of Life.
  2. "EVERYTHING in The Universe is ALWAYS against you, directly or indirectly" --- Sisyphus' Law of Eventual Failure.
  3. "Not only everything in The Universe is against you, but your very best friend, your self, is ALSO against you" --- Froyd's Forgotten Law of Perverse Psychology.
  4. "The less The Universe knows about YOU, the happier you'll be" --- Cipher's Law of 'Ignorance is Bliss'.
  5. "The less YOU know about The Universe, the happier you'll be" --- Einstein's Unproved Conclusion Law.
  6. "The more YOU know about The Universe, the more The Universe knows about YOU" --- Nerdius's Futility of Scientific Knowledge Law.
  7. "The more YOU know about The Universe, the more DIFFICULT will be for you to make money" --- Onassus' Universal Law of Money.
  8. "You can NEVER know everything about The Universe, but eventually The Universe finds out EVERYTHING about YOU" --- Dementius' Law of Evil Focus.
  9. "EVERYTHING is known by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be known by The Universe" --- Nastius' Law of Evil Knowledge.
  10. "EVERYTHING is controlled by The Universe. Even things that CANNOT be controlled by The Universe" --- Perversius' Law of Evil Power.
  11. "NOTHING new can be discovered. EVERYTHING has been discovered already by The Universe" --- Dementious' Law of Evil Knowledge.
  12. "EVERYTHING is possible for The Universe. NOTHING is possible for YOU" --- Parafrosinus' Law of Evil Potentiality.
  13. "Human Experience: The years it takes you to roughly understand how The Universe works. And when you do, you WON'T like it. Or, differently put," --- Trellus' Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  14. "Human Experience: The time it takes you to understand that The Universe is HOSTILE. To YOU, PERSONALLY" --- Trellus' Alternate Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  15. "The Universe is a wonderful place and full of surprises. Full of BAD surprises" --- Parafrosinus' Law of Interesting Surprises.
  16. "Occam's Razor: The mistaken axiom that amongst all possible explanations for a phenomenon, the simplest one is the correct one. In reality, the MOST COMPLEX explanation is ALWAYS the correct one" --- Occamus' Law of The Unexpected.
  17. "The creatED, is ALWAYS inferior to the CreatING" --- Diatlhaspastikos' Law of 'The Obvious'.
  18. "'Intelligent' (adj.): A life-form which has successfully figured out the full extent and complexity of the conspiracy that has been set up by The Universe to manipulate said life-form" --- Intelligentius' Law of Intelligence.
  19. "'SUPER-Intelligent' (adj.): A life-form which has managed to reverse the cards dealt and has successfully managed to temporarily cheat The Universe, either with respect to resources or with respect to death" --- Intelligentius' Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  20. "ONLY when you realize how much of an IDIOT you are, THEN you can know how much INTELLIGENT you are" --- Idioti's Law of Unknown Intelligence.
  21. "After you know how much intelligent you are, at least ONE random person will PROVE that you are an IDIOT, AGAIN" --- Idioti's Second Law of Unknown Intelligence.
  22. "If you manage to convince yourself or others you are intelligent, then at least TEN random people will PROVE that you are an IDIOT, publicly" --- Idioti's Third Law of Unknown Intelligence.
  23. "If you manage to convince yourself or others you are an idiot - through some gross mistake or another, then at least ONE random idiot will CONFIRM it, publicly" --- Idioti's Fourth Law of Unknown Intelligence.
  24. "If you remain unsure whether you are an idiot or not, you better remain sure of and be content with the fact that you are (blessed are the poor in spirit - according to Jesus)" --- Idioti's Fifth Law of Unknown Intelligence.
  25. "The intelligent THINKS. The SUPER-intelligent uses and consumes entire intelligences" --- Bourdous' Law of Early Intelligence.
  26. "The Universe is SUPER-INTELLIGENT" --- Bourdous' Law of Late Intelligence.
  27. "If you are SUPER-intelligent, you will have to do battle with the corresponding SUPER-intelligent EVIL life forms out there. Beware!" --- Evolutionus' Law of Supreme Intelligence.
  28. "It is best that you don't know what's out there, but unfortunately and eventually, everything is understandable" --- The author's Law of Supreme Intelligence.
  29. "THAT, which has given birth to EVERYTHING, i.e., , is certainly AT LEAST as (SUPER-)INTELLIGENT as man, since it has given birth to the Stars and Planets, who, in turn have given birth to man, who is, by his own definition, INTELLIGENT. Therefore," --- Paterius' First Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  30. "No MATTER the MORAL code of man, THAT, which has given birth to EVERYTHING, can be ANYTHING opposite to ANY preconceived idea by man. Therefore AGAIN," --- Paterius' Second Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  31. "CAUTION is suggested!! There may be someone or something out there, who/which may be unimaginably STRONGER and more EVIL than you" --- Paterius' Third Law of Maximum Allowed Knowledge.
  32. "THAT, which has given birth to EVERYTHING, has ALREADY created AND installed in YOUR Universe, your tormentor: someone who's STRONGER, more INTELLIGENT and MORE EVIL than you. This someone is hunting you down and will ALWAYS be hunting you down, until you learn how to BEAT him/her" --- Paterius' Fourth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  33. "If you are INTELLIGENT, your brain will function like a very efficient neural network, replicating the personae of everyone you meet and creating a virus-like REPLICA of their existence in your mind which will torment you CONTINUOUSLY, through what crazy people call THE VOICES" --- Virulas' First Law of Insane Voices.
  34. "At any point, these voices may materialize and someone may beat the shit out of you, for no good reason" --- Virulas' Second Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  35. "ONLY if you are SUPER-INTELLIGENT, you will be able to shut down those virus-like existences" --- Virulas' Third Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  36. "If you are STUPID, your brain won't function as a neural network, so you have nothing to worry about" --- Virulas' Fourth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  37. "The PURPOSE of your tormentor is to make you DOUBT your EVERY move and convince you that you are an IDIOT, AFTER ALL" --- Paterius' Fourth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  38. "Learning how to beat your tormentor, takes literally a LIFETIME" --- Paterius' Fifth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  39. "It isn't fair, is it? It's PRECISELY because it isn't fair, that it is so. Your only solace to knowing that is that the same holds for your tormentor. He/she has a tormentor too, because The Universe has ALREADY created AND installed in EVERYONE's Universe their corresponding tormentor" --- Paterius' Sixth Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  40. "When, after years and years of struggle, you finally learn to beat your tormentor, another, STRONGER and more EVIL tormentor than the first one will be installed for you" --- Paterius' Seventh Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  41. "That way, nobody gets any funny ideas about who's REALLY in control" --- Paterius' Eighth and Ultimate Law of SUPER-Intelligence.
  42. "In short, there's SOMETHING out there, and the less you know about it, the happier you'll be" --- Garabam's Law of Maximum Allowed Knowledge.
  43. "Attempting to battle that 'something' using the most powerful means, is a bit like throwing a loud fire-cracker to an elephant: The fire-cracker is harmless to it and is likely to annoy the animal with its noise" --- Futilitus' Law of Infinite Inertia.
  44. "The amount of DIFFICULTY you'll encounter in your life will be directly proportional to your IQ. Consequently," --- Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
  45. "If you are an IDIOT, your life will be easy. If you are SMART, your life will be full of PROBLEMS. If you are a GENIUS, your life will be IMPOSSIBLE to live. Consequently," --- First Corollary to Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.
  46. "If you are a genius, the safest and fastest way to solve your life's problems is to commit suicide. Or endeavor to follow Miraculas' Law. NOW" --- Second Corollary to Satanikos' Law of Life's Problems.

Weapons Against The Universe

  1. "Do WE have ANY weapon against The Universe? Yes, we do! NATURAL STUPIDITY: Stupid people in LARGE groups, are DANGEROUS even to The Universe ITSELF!" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe First Law.
  2. "BECAUSE The Universe is AFRAID of STUPID PEOPLE in LARGE GROUPS, an alternative way to do battle with The Universe, is to endeavor to be STUPID. NOW. Start believing in Jesus, Muhammad or Buddha, for example!" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe Second Law.
  3. "The set of all the STUPID PEOPLE in The Universe has at LEAST as much POWER as The Universe ITSELF" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe Third Law.
  4. "The Universe has, by MISTAKE, created along with everything ELSE, its own demise: STUPID PEOPLE in LARGE GROUPS" --- Paparios' Corollary for the Third Law.
  5. "UNTIL we find out WHY The Universe is AFRAID of STUPID PEOPLE in LARGE GROUPS, we have a good chance of SURVIVAL for the time-being, by EXAMINING The Universe's FLAW, SCIENTIFICALLY" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe Fourth Law.
  6. "UNFORTUNATELY, STUPID PEOPLE in LARGE GROUPS are largely UNPREDICTABLE as a social phenomenon, hence you better HURRY-UP with your SOLUTION, whatever it is" --- Paparios' Arsenal Against The Universe Fifth Law.

Science & Culture

  1. "The level of scientific expertise of ANY being, culture or civilization is directly proportional to its evil intentions" --- Hish's Law of Evil Dominance.
  2. "When you have finally settled down and figured out the scientific/religious/metaphysical side of it, beware of The Unexpected" --- Pordus' Law of Maximum Unpredictability.
  3. "A county's breeding rate and its collective intelligence are always in an inversely proportional relation" --- Genericus' Law of Breeding Rates.
  4. "The average stupidity of any human population as a function of time, always increases exponentially" --- Gauss' Law of Average Growth of Stupidity.
  5. "It's better to die without descendants than to leave behind offspring who will continue your legacy of stupidity" --- Ackermann's Corollary to Gauss' Law.
  6. "'Scientist' (noun. plural. Scientists): Someone who always applies reason and logic and follows Occam's Razor. Hence, someone who is always wrong" --- Occamus' Law of Science.

Knowledge & Power

  1. "Book and Computer Program collections, tend to INCREASE in size" --- Booky Book's First Law of 'Learn More While You Have Time' Law.
  2. "Read everything. Believe NOTHING" --- Booky Book's Second Law of 'Learn More While You Have Time' Law.
  3. "Your desire for something is inversely proportional to your chances of acquiring it. For example: In order to receive ANY amount of money, from sales, work, etc, you have to have absolutely NO desire for money. You can also be sure that you WON'T ever get married, if you REALLY want to get married, you WON'T ever have kids if you REALLY want to have kids, etc." --- Desiderius Corollary of Earthly Desires to Moracle's Law.
  4. "There are two kinds of chess players: Those who KNOW what might happen to them if they lose and those who don't" --- Fisher's Law of Chess Champions.
  5. "Your IQ is inversely proportional to the amount of money in all your bank accounts" --- GateJob' Law of Bank Accounts.
  6. "Your life span is directly proportional to everything you know" --- Scientificus' Law of Life Spans.
  7. "No matter what you know, there's always somebody who knows MORE than you" --- Patatrackious' First Law of Knowledge Distribution.
  8. "No matter who you are, there's always somebody STRONGER than you" --- Patatrackious' Second Law of World Power Distribution.
  9. "If you think that there's also always somebody WEAKER than you, you are WRONG" --- Patatrackious' Perverse Corollary to The Second Law.
  10. "That which knows MORE than you, is always STRONGER than you, mentally AND physically" --- Pataboom's Perverse Law of Knowledge.
  11. "Your HATE for something/someone is directly proportional to its POWER over you, mentally AND physically. Consequently," --- Pataboom's First Perverse Corollary to The 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
  12. "Your LOVE for something/someone is directly proportional to your WEAKNESS over it, mentally and physically" --- Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary to The 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
  13. "The most POWERFUL force in the universe is THAT, which is HATED the most, BY most" --- Godon's Fundamental Law of Justice and Power.
  14. "For all practical purposes, you can take the above to be Mathematics" --- Murphy's Perverse Corollary to Godon's Fundamental Law of Justice and Power.
  15. "When (and if) you start loving Mathematics, all your misfortunes will STILL not go away. In fact, they will become worse" --- Murphy's Perverse Sub-Corollary to Pataboom's Second Perverse Corollary of Justice and Power.
  16. "There's a HUGE difference between that which is resting/sleeping because it is tired and that which does so, because it DOESN'T WANT to be awake. Consequently," --- Katastrofikus' Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  17. "You NEVER disturb THAT which looks as if it's resting/sleeping. You may NEVER know WHO or WHAT it/you may BE or HAVE been in another life" --- Patatrackious' Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  18. "Generally speaking, nobody CARES about ANYTHING, except MONEY" --- Infimus' Law of Infinite Knowledge Inertia.

Psychology

  1. "The best way to predict the financial status of your future mate, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your mate's financial status to be" --- Piaget's First Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  2. "The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your future mate, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your mate to be" --- Piaget's Second Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  3. "The best way to predict the psychological and/or scientific profile of your offspring, is to know exactly what you DON'T want your offspring to become. For example, if you DON'T want your kid doing drugs, you can be SURE that your kid is smoking some rogue substance or other, as you read this" --- Piaget's Third Unknown Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  4. "The man/woman of your dreams will be Narcissistic" --- Jungus' First Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law.
  5. "The girlfriend/boyfriend you want will be Histrionic or Avoidant" --- Jungus' Second Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law.
  6. "The girlfriend/boyfriend you DON'T want will be highly social, friendly and a potentially excellent housewife/husband/cook" --- Jungus' Third Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law.
  7. "If the girlfriend/boyfriend you want is social, friendly and a potentially excellent housewife/husband/cook, she/he will be already married to someone else, preferably very close to your house" --- Jungus' Fourth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law.
  8. "If you already HAVE the girlfriend/boyfriend you always wanted, she/he will sooner or later accuse you of being below expectation(s) or insufficient/deficient in money making" --- Jungus' Fifth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law.
  9. "If you are happily married to the girlfriend/boyfriend you always wanted, she/he will ask you to move to another country to improve your financial situation" --- Murphy's First Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  10. "If you refuse, she/he will file for divorce and cheat on you" --- Murphy's Second Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  11. "If you are even once stressed out and tired, your mate will be Avoidant" --- Murphy's Third Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  12. "If you are rich and powerful, your mate will be Dependent" --- Murphy's Fourth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  13. "If you are poor, your mate will be Depressive" --- Murphy's Fifth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  14. "If you are reasonably balanced and healthy, your mate will be Borderline" --- Murphy's Sixth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  15. "If you are a Psychopath or a criminal, your mate will be psychologically balanced and admire you as a genius" --- Murphy's Seventh Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  16. "If you are a genius, your mate will be Paranoid or Schizoid or both" --- Murphy's Eighth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  17. "If you are psychologically balanced and have a great hobby, your mate will be Passive Aggressive or Sadistic and will label you as Obsessive-Compulsive, in need of treatment" --- Murphy's Ninth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  18. "If you go to treatment for your relationship, you will be prescribed anti-psychotics" --- Murphy's Tenth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  19. "If you are strange or have weird habits, you will be labeled Schizotypal" --- Murphy's Eleventh Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  20. "If you are prescribed anti-psychotics, your libido will go to null and your mate will accuse you of sexual insufficiency" --- Murphy's Twelveth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  21. "If you are overall restrained, conscientious, respectful and EVER display any sign of verbal abuse against your mate - after losing your patience with her/him, you will be order-restrained and hospitalized for treatment with anti-psychotics. Therefore:" --- Murphy's Thirteenth Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-law in Psychology.
  22. "If you feel you are unbalanced psychologically, it's best to forget about relationships. Note that MOST people in today's society are psychologically unbalanced (read: f*cked-up), one way or another. Therefore:" --- Murphy's First Conclusive Law in Psychology.
  23. "The greater percentage of people are unsuitable for ANY relationship. Let alone marriage" --- Murphy's Second Conclusive Law in Psychology.
  24. "When you are facing a difficult situation which presents you with n conflicting alternatives, always choose the alternative which satisfies Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law. It will save you time. Or, alternatively," --- Einsteinius' First Law of Efficient Time Travel in Parallel Universes.
  25. "When you are facing a situation which presents you with n conflicting alternatives, always choose the alternative which causes the MOST DAMAGE, because that's the alternative that will materialize anyway" --- Einsteinius' Second Law of Efficient Time Travel in Parallel Universes.
  26. "For all practical purposes, you may assume that EVERYONE is ill-intentioned, until proven otherwise, therefore" --- Murphy's First Fundamental Law of Psychology.
  27. "Beware of people/objects/things who/which approach you, for no good reason" --- Jehovius' Law of Unspecified Motive.
  28. "You may ALSO assume that everyone else is ALWAYS right and YOU are ALWAYS wrong, no matter WHAT the situation" --- Murphy's Second Fundamental Law of Psychology.
  29. "The key to happiness is being OK with NOT being OK" --- Anderson's Law of Eventual Complacency.
  30. "Your parents CREATE you and EDUCATE you as a LOSER, so that they and everyone else can later ACCUSE you of being a loser. And succeed. This is called LEARNING" --- The Demiurge's First Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
  31. "When you finally understand your inner psychological nuances, you'll realize that the two people who are/were called 'your parents', were judiciously and diligently chosen, so they could torture you to DEATH until you either go INSANE, commit suicide or EVOLVE and LEARN. Whichever comes first" --- The Demiurge's Second Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
  32. "If you accuse your parents of that, they will commit you to an asylum for the insane" --- The Oracle's First Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
  33. "NOBODY cares about you. Not even your mother" --- The Oracle's Second Most Obvious Conspiracy Law.
  34. "NOBODY is what they look they are and NOBODY does what they say they do" --- Big Brother's First Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
  35. "EVERYBODY is a two-faced insane monster, eager to con you and torture you to DEATH at the first available opportunity" --- Big Brother's Second Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
  36. "When you DON'T know, EVERYBODY pretends they don't know EITHER. When you KNOW, AGAIN everybody pretends they don't know" --- Big Brother's Third Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
  37. "The number of FRIENDS you have, is inversely proportional to how much you KNOW. I.e., when you know almost EVERYTHING, you'll have ZERO friends. If you are an IDIOT or STUPID and know almost NOTHING, everyone will be eager to help you and be your FRIEND" --- Big Brother's Fourth Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
  38. "Life: A Super-complex conspiracy by The Universe, aimed at the person you suspect the least: YOU" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha First Conning Law.
  39. "ALWAYS be on the lookout, because The Universe is trying to con you CONTINUOUSLY and UNPREDICTABLY, 24/24, 7/w, 365/y" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha Second Conning Law.
  40. "Human couple: The minimum amount of people required and willing to set up a conspiracy on their offspring" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha Third Conning Law.
  41. "Sooner or later, you'll realize and understand your EXACT identity. PRAY, that this understanding comes BEFORE your physical death. Because if it doesn't, it will be TOO LATE" --- The Grand Architect's First Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
  42. "To resolve ALL your psychological problems, the necessary first step is to ACCEPT the fact that your father is The Devil Himself" --- The Grand Architect's Second Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
  43. "Once you realize The Truth, above, the best path for you is to CURSE your father to ETERNAL DAMNATION, because that's the ONLY way to make your life change for the better" --- The Grand Architect's Third Fundamental Law of the most Obvious Conspiracy.
  44. "While you are at it, curse God, as well" --- The Grand Architect's Fourth Fundamental Law of the Most Obvious Conspiracy.
  45. "Once you understand how The Universe works, you won't need a psychoanalyst anymore. All your major psychological problems will vanish in a jiffy" --- Jungus' First Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
  46. "The true reason why you are fucked-up, is because your parents were fucked-up, before you" --- Jungus' Second Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
  47. "The true reason why your KIDS are going to be fucked-up, is because YOU are fucked-up" --- Jungus' Third Law of Effective Psychoanalysis.
  48. "Stop worrying about your past. It's over. Start worrying about your future. Cause it's going to be MUCH WORSE than your past" --- Moracle's Corollary to Froyd's Future Psychoanalysis.

Love & Sex

  1. "You will have many relationships, but the ONLY person you TRULY fall in love with, will hate your guts. For EVER. Not only in this life, but in ALL subsequent reincarnations" --- Romanticus' First Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
  2. "The people you find 'interesting' & 'cute', will dislike you. The people who make you want to puke, will fall in love with you" --- Romanticus' Second Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
  3. "When your character is interesting and intelligent overall, people will find you BORING" --- Romanticus' Third Law of Perverse Attraction.
  4. "When your character is boring and not interesting, people will find you as exactly that" --- Romanticus' Fourth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  5. "If you are handsome or pretty, people will find you uninteresting and unintelligent" --- Romanticus' Fifth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  6. "If you are ugly, people will find you as exactly that" --- Romanticus' Sixth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  7. "If you are pretty and good mannered, people will call you boring and unintelligent" --- Romanticus' Seventh Law of Perverse Attraction.
  8. "If you are intelligent, pretty and good mannered, people will find you dangerous and potentially evil" --- Romanticus' Eighth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  9. "If you are dumb, ugly and bad mannered, people will accuse your behavior and acts as evil, increasing your chances of going to jail for no good reason" --- Romanticus' Ninth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  10. "If you are intelligent, handsome, good mannered and well educated, people will find you boring and uninteresting" --- Romanticus' Tenth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  11. "If you are pretty or handsome but unintelligent, boring and evil, people will praise you as a genius" --- Romanticus' Eleventh Law of Perverse Attraction.
  12. "If you are dumb, people will find you exactly as that" --- Romanticus' Twelfth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  13. "If you are an overall genius, people will find you dumb, boring and uninteresting" --- Romanticus' Thirteenth Law of Perverse Attraction.
  14. "If you dare deviate even so slightly from pre-established romantic behavior(s), people will accuse you of being a perverted deviant" --- Romanticus' First Law of Perverse Relationships.
  15. "If you are a homosexual, people will accuse you of being a pervert" --- Romanticus' Second Law of Perverse Relationships.
  16. "If you are heterosexual, people will accuse you of being a homophobe" --- Romanticus' Third Law of Perverse Relationships.
  17. "If you are bisexual, people will call you gay, anyway" --- Romanticus' Fourth Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
  18. "When you have chosen to abstain from sex or are celibate, people will call you sexually abnormal, a masturbator or anally retentive pervert" --- Romanticus' Fifth Fundamental Law of Perverse Relationships.
  19. "If you are a heterosexual in a healthy relationship, people or your mate will accuse you of being an infidel at the slightest chance of you even looking at someone else" --- Romanticus' Sixth Law of Perverse Relationships.
  20. "If you are a heterosexual in a healthy relationship and have never cheated, people will call you gay, if you don't secretly cheat behind your mate's back" --- Romanticus' Seventh Law of Perverse Relationships.
  21. "If you are a homosexual in a relationship and have never cheated, people or your mate will call you a homophobe" --- Romanticus' Eighth Law of Perverse Relationships.
  22. "If you have a past of sexual deviancy and at least one person knows about it, you will be sooner or later accused of all your past acts in public by your mate" --- Romanticus' Ninth Law of Perverse Relationships.
  23. "If you have a past of sexual deviancy that nobody knows about, your psychoanalyst will call you 'normal', only needing minor therapy" --- Pervertus' First Law of Deviant Relationships.
  24. "If you are sexually 'normal', your psychoanalyst will prompt you to try some deviancy in new relationships, for a change, to improve your psychological profile" --- Pervertus' Second Law of Deviant Relationships.
  25. "If you fall in love with a person that's above your paygrade (richer/prettier,etc), you will be called a pervert" --- Romanticus' First Corollary Law of Perverse Relationships.
  26. "If you fall in love with a person that's below your paygrade, you will be labeled a loser" --- Romanticus' Second Corollary Law of Perverse Relationships.
  27. "If you fall in love with a person that's younger than you, you will be labeled a paedophile pervert" --- Romanticus' First Corollary Law of Forbidden Relationships.
  28. "If you fall in love with a person that's older than you, you will be labeled a gerontophile loser" --- Romanticus' Second Corollary Law of Forbidden Relationships.
  29. "If you fall in love with a person that's the same age as you, that person will reject you and you will be labeled as immature and naive" --- Romanticus' Third Corollary Law of Forbidden Relationships.
  30. "If you fall in love with two or more people simultaneously, you will be called a sexual pervert" --- Amorus' Law of Perverse Relationships.
  31. "If you NEVER fall in love with ANYONE, you will be called a sexually and psychologically abnormal pervert/deviant or asexual freak" --- Anteros' First Law of Perverse Relationships.
  32. "If you need sex more often than your partner, you will be labeled a porno-satyr and a sex/nympho-maniac" --- Anteros' Second Law of Perverse Relationships.
  33. "If you don't have sex as often as your partner wants you will be labeled impotent and deficient and your partner will blame you for his/her outreach for new prospective partners" --- Anteros' Third Law of Perverse Relationships.
  34. "If you don't have sex at all in a relationship, you will be called psychologically aberrant and functionally insufficient and recommended viagra" --- Anteros' Fourth Law of Perverse Relationships.
  35. "If you are a sex maniac, you will be accused of as exactly that and labeled a pervert" --- Anteros' Fourth Law of Perverse Relationships.
  36. "If you are sexually sized gifted, your sex will be labeled painful and uncomfortable" --- Anteros' Fifth Law of Perverse Relationships.
  37. "If you are sexually sized unprivileged, your sex will be called insufficient and your mate will accuse you for failing to have an orgasm" --- Anteros' Sixth Law of Perverse Relationships.
  38. "If you are sexually sized average, your sex will be called average and not interesting, too" --- Anteros' Seventh Law of Perverse Relationships.
  39. "If you are emotionally sensitive in a relationship, you will be emotionally abused by your mate" --- Anteros' Eighth Law in Perverse Relationships.
  40. "If you are emotionally strong or indifferent in a relationship, you will be accused of being an insensitive and uncaring freak" --- Anteros' Ninth Law in Perverse Relationships.
  41. "If you are hardworking for a living in a relationship, you will be accused of being insensitive and uncaring to/neglecting of your mate's or children's needs" --- 'Mates Need Emotional Support, too' Law in Perverse Relationships.
  42. "If you are a not working lazy ass in a relationship, you will be accused of being insensitive to your relationship's financial needs" --- 'Mates Need Financial Support, too' Law in Perverse Relationships.
  43. "If you are working your ass off, are loving, caring and often sacrifice yourself for the needs of, in your relationship, you will be labeled a sucker for this kind of mate - who doesn't really deserve it, because of any random reason (cheating, insensitive, uncaring, broke, bad cook, bad looks, bad husband/housewife, etc." --- 'Don't Try Too hard' Law in Perverse Relationships.
  44. "The ONLY night you get a chance to have sex with the woman of your dreams, you won't have an erection" --- Romanticus' First Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  45. "If you do have an erection, it will deemed insufficient and will fail to satisfy the woman of your dreams" --- Romanticus' Second Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  46. When you ask the woman of your dreams to marry you on that important date, you'll find out that either she's planning to leave for a very long trip, far, far away, or she's already accepted the proposition. Or both. By somebody else. Somebody she met one day before you proposed --- Romanticus' Third Fundamental Marriage Proposal Law.
  47. "There's ALWAYS somebody RICHER/MORE HANDSOME/MORE INTELLIGENT than you, who is in love with the woman of your dreams. For example: If you are a simple company employee, it will be the CEO. If you are the CEO, it will be the President of the country. If you are the President, it will be God himself. If you are God, the woman of your dreams will be a whore" --- Romanticus' Fourth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
  48. "In order to deserve a woman, you have to be able to beat the shit out of ANY prospective lover or challenger. And you never know WHO such a challenger may turn out to be" --- Romanticus' Fifth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
  49. "In order to deserve a woman, you ALSO have to be SUPER-INTELLIGENT, because if she is smarter than you, she will torment you until you either go INSANE or commit suicide from the PAIN" --- Alternate form of Romanticus' Fifth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
  50. "The woman of your dreams, always has a secret husband: The DEVIL" --- Romanticus' Sixth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
  51. "In order to deserve the woman of your dreams, you have to be sufficiently STRONG, SUPER-intelligent and EVIL enough as to be able to beat even the DEVIL himself, hence" --- Romanticus' Seventh Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
  52. "Unless you KNOW you are the Devil himself, it is always BEST to FORGET about the woman of your dreams and continue the work, because any result of you trying to approach her, will always satisfy Moracle's meta-LAW, therefore" --- Romanticus' Eighth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
  53. "NOBODY can have the woman of their dreams, because this woman is the Devil's. And the Devil can do that: He can be husband to many women simultaneously if he wants to. You CAN however, have any woman you want EXCEPT that one, if you ask politely. WHO? That, the laws do not say" --- Romanticus' Tenth Fundamental Law of Hierarchies in Relationships.
  54. "If you are wondering whether your 'soulmate' exists, the answer is AFFIRMATIVE. And he/she is married and has kids with someone ELSE. Hence," --- Romanticus' First Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  55. "It's better to pick a partner at RANDOM, than waste time looking for your 'soulmate'" --- Romanticus' Second Perverse Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental meta-Law.
  56. "EVERY woman has TWO faces. After asking a woman for a date, make sure you don't react VERY BADLY when she shows you her OTHER face: The face of an old, decrepid, ugly and satanic WITCH, who wants to TORTURE you and your offspring, to no end" --- Datimus' First Law of Dates.
  57. "If you react BADLY to her OTHER face, she may CURSE you and you may become a faggot" --- Datimus' Second Law of Dates.
  58. "The universal age of virginity loss, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' First Law of Sexual Perversity.
  59. "The number of virgins divided by the human population, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' Second Law of Sexual Virginity.
  60. "The number of available partners divided by the human population as a function of your age, approaches ZERO from above" --- Seximus' Third Law of Available Sexual Partners.
  61. "The number of available GOOD partners is IDENTICALLY zero. At ANY time" --- Seximus' Fourth Law of Available Sexual Partners.
  62. "The number of ILLEGAL partners divided by the human population as a function of your age, approaches ONE" --- Seximus' Fifth Law of Available Partners.

Home, Work & Marriage

  1. "People with silly and useless degrees always get better job positions than scientists. A person with a degree in theology or jewelry, for example, will always get a better paying job than someone with a Ph.D. in particle physics" --- Nonsensus' Law of Better Job Placement.
  2. "Good jobs always require a degree one level higher than what you have. For example, if you have only a high school diploma, you'll need to have a B.S. If you have a B.S. you'll need an M.S. or an M.B.A. If you have a master's degree, you'll need a Ph.D. If you have a Ph.D. you'll need a Nobel Prize or the Fields Metal. If you are a Nobel Laureate or have won the Fields Metal, you'll need to have a degree which certifies that you are God Himself, in which case nobody will believe you, anyway" --- Nash' Law of Perpetual Learning.
  3. "When you are looking for a job, seek first the jobs which you are completely unfamiliar and have no experience with. This maximizes your chances of getting the job, because as a trainee you will surely be underpaid" --- Improbablilitus' Law of Finding Work.
  4. "For composers: WHEN and IF you manage to create a computer PROGRAM which notates and plays music, THEN you may have the liberty to call yourself a 'beginner' composer" --- Stupendius' Law of Musical Expertise.
  5. "'Difficulty' (noun. plural. difficulties): The number of tries it takes, until something is finished or completed PERFECTLY" --- Failius' Definition of Difficulty.
  6. "For trivial tasks, difficulty is equal to at least 2" --- Failius' First Corollary for Difficulty.
  7. "For non-trivial tasks, difficulty is equal to at least 1000" --- Failius' Second Corollary for Difficulty.
  8. "For complex tasks, difficulty tends to infinity" --- Failius' Third Corollary for Difficulty.
  9. "'Expert' (adj. plural 'experts'): Someone for whom the difficulty of a certain task is equal to 2" --- Failius' Fourth Corollary for Difficulty.
  10. "'God' (adj. plural 'gods'): Someone for whom the difficulty of a certain task is equal to 1" --- Failius' Fifth Corollary for Difficulty.
  11. "'Expert' (adj. plural 'experts'): One who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing" --- Butler's' Sixth Corollary for Difficulty.
  12. "If you are an expert at a certain work subject, the market will always be saturated for this kind of work" --- Stupendius' Law of Work Expertise.
  13. "Work failure is inevitable. You will fail REPEATEDLY and CONTINUOUSLY on the subject you are an expert at" --- Failius' Law of Work Expertise.
  14. "When you are finally employed, your employer can ALWAYS find an excuse to underpay you. For example: If you have the experience only, you will be underpaid because you don't have a degree. If you have a degree only you will be underpaid because you lack experience. If you have a Ph.D., you will be underpaid because you are "over-qualified" and there's always someone else with a high school diploma who can do the same work for less. If you only have a high school diploma, you will be underpaid because you are "under-qualified" and there's already a Nobel Laureate or Fields Prize winner who does this kind of work. NEVER MIND how much this person is paid" --- CEO's Law of Futility of Work Compensation.
  15. "On your first day on the job, you will be fired" --- Unpredictus' Law of First Job Day.
  16. "Working on a subject you love and making lots of money from your work is a virtual impossibility. Hence," --- Impossibilitus' Law of Working.
  17. "Everyone HATES Mondays" --- Resting's Law of Mondays.
  18. "If you are a man, your job market worth is equal exactly to the beauty of your wife. If you are woman, your worth is equal exactly to the amount of money your husband makes" --- Geneticus' Law of Worth of Mates.
  19. "You cannot find work if you don't have a mate" --- Unfortunatus' First Law of Employment.
  20. "You cannot find a mate if you are not working" --- Unfortunatus' Second Law of Employment.
  21. "The distance between your home and work locations will be directly proportional to how much you desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' First Law of Work Modus Operandi.
  22. "The desire other people will have to be with YOUR mate, will be directly proportional to how much YOU desire to be with your mate" --- Cupidus' Second Law of Work Modus Operandi.
  23. "The probability of your mate FORNICATING with someone, is directly proportional to the product of your desire to be with your mate and the distance between your home and work locations" --- Balamuti's First Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
  24. "The probability of you CATCHING your mate in the act of fornicating with someone, is inversely proportional to the product of your desire to be with your mate and the distance between your home and work locations" --- Balamuti's Second Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.
  25. "The ONLY way to be sure that your mate is not fornicating with someone, is for BOTH of you to ALWAYS be at home. In which case, you won't be able to make a living, unless you are ALREADY rich" --- Balamuti's Third Corollary to Cupidus' Laws.

Web Pages

  1. "Web pages are NEVER perfect" --- Eternius' Fundamental Law of Futility of Web Design.
  2. "The more you work on perfecting your web pages, the less visitors you'll have" --- Frustratius' Corollary to Moracle's Fundamental Meta-Law.
  3. "If you install a statistics tracker on your web pages, the number of your visitors will immediately start to decline" --- Statisticus' First Law of Page Statistics.
  4. "If you announce one of your web pages to usenet, your statistics tracker will stop working" --- Statisticus' Second Law of Page Statistics.
  5. "When, after decades of work, your web pages have been finally perfected, nobody will visit them and nobody will be interested in them, no matter what the content" --- Eternius' Corollary to Eternius' Law of Futility of Web Page Design.
  6. "You can practically count on the fact that ANYONE's web pages will contain some stolen material" --- Kleftroni's Law of Web Page Design.
  7. "No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, you can always count on the existence of another silly web page which has a higher Page Rank than yours" --- Google's Fundamental Law of Page Rank.
  8. "No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will not like it" --- The Web's First Usefulness Law.
  9. "No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will disagree with it" --- The Web's Second Usefulness Law.
  10. "No matter WHAT the content of your web pages, somebody will send you an obnoxious email about it, calling you an idiot" --- The Web's Third Usefulness Law.
  11. "The purpose of ANY web page is to either generate income or to be eventually shut down. Therefore," --- Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web Page Purpose.
  12. "If your web page does NOT generate income, now is the best time to shut it down" --- Undesirius' Best Web Page Strategy Corollary to the Purposi's Law of Ultimate Web Page Purpose.
  13. "The intellectual level of the people who visit your web pages will be inversely proportional to the quality of its contents. Hence," --- Kepler's Fundamental Modified Gravity Law of Web Page Attractors.
  14. "If your web page's content is science of the highest level, it will be visited mostly by morons, idiots and people who look for free porno" --- Kepler's First Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.
  15. "If your web page's content is bullshit of the highest level, it will be visited mostly by Nobel Prize winners and internationally famous scientists" --- Kepler's Second Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.
  16. "If your web page's content is both bullshit and science, it will be visited mostly by spiders and crawlers" --- Kepler's Third Corollary to the Fundamental Law of Web Page Attractors.

Usenet & Forums

  1. "No matter what theory you post to sci.physics or sci.physics.relativity, someone will disagree with it" --- Einstone's 'Everyone is Wrong' Law.
  2. "If you present your theory or question to sci.physics or sci.chem and uncle Al DOESN't call you an idiot, your theory may have a chance to be discussed, briefly, before it gets shot down" --- Uncle Al's Lowest Common Denominator Filter Law.
  3. "There are NO legitimate questions for sci.physics, sci.physics.relativity or sci.chem. All theories have been explored, already. And have failed" --- Moracle's Perverse Corollary for Nature.
  4. "No matter WHEN you post to sci.math, there will always be a moron who's trying to show-off and/or look smart" --- Moroni's First Corollary for sci.math.
  5. "If this moron replies to YOUR question or problem, it's best to ignore him. Otherwise, even if you are right, you will look like a fool, because everyone knows that he is baiting you" --- Moroni's Second Corollary for sci.math.
  6. "No matter how fast you post a solution to sci.math, there will always be somebody else who has solved the problem and has posted before you" --- Speedo's Theorem for sci.math.
  7. "When you argue with others in the sci.* hierarchy and claim x, there will always be someone who will always claim NOT x. If you decide to agree with him and claim NOT x, he will CHANGE his claim to x" --- Goedel's Third Law of Persistence of Falsifiability.
  8. "If you THINK you've got a mathematical proof x right and you are ready to post it to sci.math, the MOMENT you post it you will find that NOT x is certainly a possibility. Before you even have a chance to correct your mistake, someone will correct it making you look like a fool. If you post a retraction and say 'I agree to the correction of NOT x', then someone will PROVE that x was correct to begin with, and you will look like a double fool" --- Poincare's Laws of The Perversity of sci.math.
  9. "Other people will always consider somebody ELSE a genius and support this person's theories and solutions in the sci.* hierarchy, but NEVER yours" --- Praktikus' Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
  10. "If you are a professor of mathematics in some big school, someone will call you an idiot for no good reason" --- Professor Bozo's Corollary for sci.math.
  11. "Regardless of your scientific expertise or religious background, you will be called many names, among those, idiot, moron, under-developed, loon, schizo, cook, crank and troll" --- Idioti's First Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
  12. "If you are religious in a scientific forum, you will be labeled a fool and ignorant of science" --- Idioti's First Law for Science Forums.
  13. "If you are atheist in a religious forum, you will be labeled a fool and ignorant of religion" --- Idioti's First Law for Religious Forums.
  14. "If you are a patient stoic in ANY forum, you will be labeled a pagan fool and ignorant of religion AND science" --- Idioti's First Law for ALL Forums.
  15. "If you are philosophically undecided or absurdist in a Philosophy forum, you will be accused as being ignorant in Philosophy" --- Idioti's First Law for Philosophy Forums.
  16. "If you are a philosophical absurdist or try to joke around in context in ANY forum, you will be labeled as dangerous and potentially evil and will be blocked in that forum by the moderator at the suggestion of a random user" --- Idioti's Second law for ALL Forums.
  17. "If you are into Metaphysics or Spirituality, you will be accused as nonsensical and labeled an idiot" --- Idioti's Second Law for Philosophy Forums.
  18. "If you reject Metaphysics and Spirituality, you will be accused as ignorant of important metaphysical or spiritual methods and beliefs" --- Idioti's Third Law for Philosophy Forums.
  19. "In your own soc.culture.* group, you will be called a clown and a loon" --- Bozo's First Corollary for the soc.culture.* Hierarchy.
  20. "Various people will actually try to PROVE that you are all that, by searching for your background and posting details on Usenet" --- Idioti's Second Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
  21. "People will accuse you of being ANYTHING, as long as you are not a skeptic about EVERYTHING" --- Idioti's Third Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
  22. "If you are a skeptic about everything, they will call you gay, perverted, a faggot, a pederast or a pagan" --- Idioti's Fourth Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
  23. "If you are sensible and argumentative on a sci.* group, someone will call you an idiot" --- Argumenti's Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
  24. "If you are verbally abusive, they will accuse you of being exactly that" --- Verbali's Corollary for the sci.* Hierarchy.
  25. "In short, the best way to participate on usenet or in forums, is to not participate AT ALL" --- Vise's Theorem for the sci.* Hierarchy.

Mathematics, Physics, Professors & Students

  1. "The power of attraction you exert on ANY person, object or event, is directly proportional to the SQUARE of your dislike for it" --- Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
  2. "You can practically FORCE someone or something to come to you or cause an event manifestation, if you dislike him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- First Teleportation Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
  3. "You can practically FORCE someone or something to go away or avoid an event manifestation, if you desire him/her/it SUFFICIENTLY" --- Second Teleportation Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
  4. "The ONLY exception to Kepler's Law and Corollaries is MONEY. It won't EVER come to you whether you desire it or despise it" --- Money Corollary to Kepler's Modified Gravitational Law.
  5. "There's ALWAYS a mistake, somewhere" --- Caratheodory's First Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise.
  6. "The chances of you making that mistake in the presence of experts are within epsilon of certainty" --- Caratheodory's Second Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise.
  7. "Other people have the right to complain about YOUR mistakes, but you don't have the right to complain about THEIRS" --- Caratheodory's Third Forgotten Law of Scientific Expertise.
  8. "If you discover a new theory or mathematical model x, The Universe will go to work TO CREATE a model for NOT x" --- Goedel's First Law of Persistence of Falsifiability.
  9. "If you eliminate all models for not x in advance, The Universe will create a SUB-universe where NOT x will be true BY DEFINITION. So if you think that 1+1=2 for example, you can be SURE that a SUB-universe exists, where 1+1=2 is false" --- Goedel's Second Law of Persistence of Falsifiability.
  10. "A referee will accept your article for publication if and only if he is convinced that your article duplicates some already known result" --- Duplo's Certainty of Duplication Law.
  11. "The number of journals you must submit your paper to before it is accepted, approaches infinity" --- Duplo's Futility of Publication Law.
  12. "WHATEVER results your new paper claims, they have ALREADY been published by somebody else. 100 years ago" --- Ecclesiastes' 'There's Nothing New Under The Sun' Law.
  13. "To be HIRED by a school, you need to prove you have published at LEAST 100 papers. To be given TENURE, you need to prove that you have STOPPED publishing and will NEVER AGAIN publish any new papers" --- Journali's Usefulness of Publications Law.
  14. "The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position varies proportionally to its distance from your graduation location" --- Galois' Law of Effective Teaching Distance.
  15. "The likelihood of a school giving you a teaching position becomes maximal at Earth's ANTIPODAL point of your graduation location" --- Corollary to Galois' Law of Effective Teaching Distance.
  16. "The most efficient computer algorithm for your CS dissertation problem will be of order O(exp(L)(n)), where f(k)(x) denotes iterated composition of f, L is the character length of your dissertation and n is the size of your data" --- Babbage's Perverse Algorithm Efficiency Law.
  17. "Your FIRST undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a program that replicates. In Pascal" --- Babbage's First Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
  18. "Your SECOND undergraduate computer assignment will be to write a YACC. In ASSEMBLY" --- Babbage's Second Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
  19. "Your THIRD undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate A(100,100,100), where A is the three-argument Ackermann function" --- Babbage's Third Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
  20. "Your FOURTH undergraduate computer assignment will be to calculate B(B(100)), where B is the Busy-Beaver function" --- Babbage's Fourth Law of Perverse CS Assignments.
  21. "Your FIRST undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex analytic f, with f(f(f(x)))=exp(x)" --- Archimodus' First Law of Perverse Math Assignments.
  22. "Your SECOND undergraduate mathematics assignment will be to find a complex analytic extension to tetration" --- Archimodus' Second Law of Perverse Math Assignments.
  23. "If you manage to find it, it will be published with your professor's name on it" --- Archimodus' Third Law of Perverse Math Assignments.
  24. "If you are BOTH a CS & mathematics major, your FIRST undergraduate computer assignment will be to implement infinite CARDINAL and ORDINAL arithmetic. In ASSEMBLY" --- Cantor's Law of Perverse Math & CS Assignments.
  25. "The time required for you as a graduate student to understand the difference between a COVARIANT and a CONTRAVARIANT tensor will ALWAYS be at least 1 semester plus 1 day, with time counting from the first day of class" --- Einstein's Universal Law of 'Everyone Flunks Tensor Analysis'.
  26. "The sum of a TA's fluency in English and his fluency on the subject matter equals 1" --- Harvard's 'Most TA's Are Useless' Law.
  27. "A random nxn matrix will be non-invertible" --- Caley's First Law of Perversity of Linear Algebra.
  28. "One of the eigenvalues of the matrix which models the main problem in your dissertation, will ALWAYS be 0. No matter WHAT the accuracy of calculations" --- Caley's Second Law of Perversity of Linear Algebra.
  29. "The SAFEST and QUICKEST way to pass your prelims, is to sell your soul to the Devil" --- Prelimus's 'Most Prelims Fail' Law.
  30. "To ADDITIONALLY pass your thesis defense, you have to sell your soul a SECOND time, which virtually guarantees that you will reincarnate again at least TWICE" --- Doctoroid's 'Most Ph.D.s Flunk' Law.
  31. "On your thesis defense, there will be at least ONE professor who will not understand a THING from what you are saying and will waste the committee's time asking all sorts of irrelevant questions" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' First Law.
  32. "This professor will KEEP asking you irrelevant questions, until either all THE OTHER professors (including your advisor) and you become SUFFICIENTLY CONFUSED or a major thinking flaw is found which will impede the committee's evaluation" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Second Law.
  33. "Your advisor will have a FIST-FIGHT with one of the referees" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Third Law.
  34. "After the impediment, you'll be asked to change advisor and re-do your Ph.D. thesis from scratch" --- Archibald's 'Horror of Thesis Defense' Fourth Law.
  35. "Ph.D.: A SPECIAL paper for CARELESS IDIOTS which certifies that you have worked HARD and LONG and are now a VERY CAREFUL idiot. You are STILL an idiot however, so don't you get any FUNNY ideas about your intelligence when you are awarded such a paper" --- Advisorus' Definition of a Ph.D.
  36. "One of your undergraduate students will prove that important result which you have been researching for 25 years" --- Euler's First Unexpected Genius Law.
  37. "Your undergraduate students will be mini-Ramanujans" --- Euler's Second Unexpected Genius Law.
  38. "Your GRADUATE students will include reincarnations of Euclid, Caratheodory, Gauss, Fermat, Laplace, and Einstein" --- Euler's Generalized Law of Hidden Geniuses.
  39. "The ONLY student who will ask you to be his advisor will be a reincarnation of Archimedes" --- Riemann's Advisor's Modus Operandi Law.
  40. "Your mate will get his/her Ph.D. one year SOONER than you" --- Maria's 'Mates Are Always Smarter' Law.
  41. "You will be assigned to lecture on subjects you know nothing and don't care about" --- Randomus' First Teaching Assignments Law.
  42. "When you lecture on those subjects, at least ONE student will find an important mistake in front of the whole class" --- Corollary to Randomus' First Teaching Assignments Law.
  43. "The number of graduate students interested in taking YOUR specialty graduate course divided by the total number of graduate students in the mathematics department approaches 0 from above" --- Uninteresti's Fundamental Teaching Law.
  44. "The distance to the location of the next conference or seminar you MUST attend, will be directly proportional to your DESIRE to attend" --- Seminarius' First Fundamental Law.
  45. "If you are the leading expert on the subject of that conference, the seminar will take place at the nearest STAR SYSTEM" --- Corollary to Seminarius' First Fundamental Law.
  46. "Important papers will be rejected randomly by the automated electronic submission process" --- Publicious' Efficiency of Automated Manuscript Submission Law.
  47. "The probability of a paper being accepted varies as exp(-x), where x is the referee's expertise on the subject, varying in [0,infinity)" --- Publicious' Probability of Publication Law.
  48. "Your numerical analysis students will be assigned to work on a computer with machine epsilon equal to 1" --- Cray's Fundamental Law of Numerical Analysis.
  49. "Your university's mainframe O.S. can be understood ONLY by CS graduate students" --- Cray's Fundamental Law of Computer Labs.
  50. "The probability of ANY graduate student or professor using a rogue substance (caffeine, nicotine, cannabis, etc) approaches 1" --- Corollary to Rennyi's Law 'A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems'.
  51. "The probabilities of you finding a TOE (Theory of Everything) and you being a crank are exactly equal" --- Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness.
  52. "The Universe will forever remain unexplained by serious scientists" --- Corollary to Uranium's Fundamental Law of Crankiness .
  53. "Your FIRST undergraduate physics assignment will be to understand nuclear fission" --- Curie's First Law of Physics Education.
  54. "Your SECOND undergraduate physics assignment will be to understand nuclear fusion" --- Curie's Second Law of Physics Education.
  55. "Your THIRD undergraduate physics assignment will be to design a nuclear weapon" --- Curie's Third Law of Physics Education.
  56. "Your FOURTH undergraduate physics assignment will be to TEST it. Non-destructively" --- Curie's Fourth Law of Physics Education.
  57. "After you design and test it, you will be arrested and jailed by the U.S. government for possessing a WMD" --- Corollary to Curie's Laws.
  58. "Sub-atomic particle trajectories will ALWAYS be random. No matter what the process" --- Rontgen's Fundamental Law of Particle Physics.
  59. "In most physics and chemistry experiments, energy will be given off as E=m*02" --- Einstein's Unknown Energy-Mass Relation Law.
  60. "Your advisor will ask you to design and build a fusion reactor" --- Fermi's Basic Graduate Student Requirement Law.
  61. "The speed of light in the universe varies from 0 to c, CONTINUOUSLY and UNPREDICTABLY" --- Einstein's Forgotten Relativity Law.
  62. "For your Ph.D. thesis, you will be required to determine the speed of light using a tape measure and a grandfather's clock" --- Michelson's Perverse Measurement Law.
  63. "There will be at least ONE professor who as your advisor will want you to design and test a teleportation machine" --- Goldbloom's First Law.
  64. "When you finally manage to build it, after you test it, you will discover that not a fly, but a COCKROACH has gotten in and travelled in time with you" --- Kafka's Corollary to Goldbloom's Law.
  65. "The only advisor available in the physics department at any time, is the professor who wants to solve Schrodinger's equation analytically for the atoms of ALL elements and adjust the solution to work even for the yet UNDISCOVERED elements" --- Mendeleev's 'Analytical Physics Is Fun' Law.
  66. "Your first undergraduate physics lab assignment will be to measure qualitatively and quantitatively how quickly 1 kg of Hg evaporates in an enclosed environment" --- The Physics Lab 'Student-Weeding-Process' Law.
  67. "As a graduate physics student, you will be asked to visually record the doppler shift in the spectrum of any quasar you choose in the Hydra super-cluster using a pair of binoculars and a small plastic prism" --- Galileo's Requirement Law.
  68. "To be hired as a physics professor, you must have published at least ONE mathematical model of the Big Bang" --- Pauli's First Professor-Weeding Law.
  69. "To be given tenure, you are expected to FIRST complete Einstein's unfinished Unified Field Theory" --- Pauli's Second Professor-Weeding Law.
  70. "Your last published results on particle acceleration will cause a catastrophic failure at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory, as a result of which you will not only be demoted to Lecturer, but you will also be required to pay for damages at Fermi" --- Coulomb's Eventual Failure of Advanced Research.
  71. "The number of times you will be required to change apartments in order to find a respectable job after the acquisition of your Ph.D., will be directly proportional to the product of the number of books you own and their weight" --- Papardus' Perpetual Movement Law.
  72. "To be on schedule teaching at school and working at the local Particle Accelerator as a research scientist, you will need to use a teletransporter" --- LaForge's First Law of Speed of Transportation.
  73. "The teletransporter will malfunction and crash at least once, leaving you stranded in Antarctica, in year 3 billion B.C." --- LaForge's Second Law of Speed of Transportation.
  74. "As a graduate student, your advisor will ask you to determine the mass of a Higgs boson using a laboratory balance, by performing AT MOST 10 measurements" --- Graviton's Accuracy of Scientific Measurements Law.
  75. "If you are a teenager, you can almost certainly maximize your chances in meeting some of these challenges, if you study in a Greek University. The professors there might oblige you with the hardest exams possible, and it is suggested that you are, always, as READY as possible. The faster, the BETTER" --- Impossibilitus' Graviton's Accuracy of Scientific Excellence Law.

Religion

Eric is Confused over his new contract for fame and money
[1]
  1. "To gain the full wisdom of Life, you have to take a CAREFUL, DEEP and LONG look inside yourself. And when you do that, you'll find NOTHING there" --- Voidus' Fundamental Law for the Existence of The Void.
  2. "If you believe that God exists, God will hide for the duration of your life" --- Abrahami's First Fundamental Law for the Existence of God.
  3. "If you believe that God DOESN'T exist, God will reincarnate as your father" --- Abrahami's Second Fundamental Law for the Existence of God.
  4. "There is no proof that God exists or doesn't exist. BUT," --- Baloney's Law for proof of the Existence of God.
  5. "There IS proof that the Devil exists and he has NASTY plans for you" --- Baloney's Law for proof of the Existence of the Devil.
  6. "Either God doesn't exist or he is malevolent: Proof: If God doesn't exist, we are done. If he exists, he is hiding. If he is hiding, he must be malevolent and evil, for otherwise there would be no reason for him to hide. Therefore, if God exists, he is Absolute Evil" --- Joe-anus' Fundamental Law for the Existence of Evil.
  7. "Not only God exists, he is also your worst fucking nightmare. On a PERSONAL level" --- Joe-anus' Fundamental Law for the Existence of God.
  8. "Saying that you believe in God is declaring publicly that you know your limits" --- Protectorius' First Law of Protection.
  9. "Saying that you DON'T believe in God is declaring publicly that you are an idiot" --- Protectorius' Second Law of UNprotection.
  10. "God, is THAT, which is STRONGER than you, in one or more ways. Consequently," --- Concealatus' 'One Name of God' Law.
  11. "The question is not whether God exists or not. The answer to that is obvious. The question is whether he has a sense of HUMOR or not" --- Mysterious' Ultimate Question of Life.
  12. "IF God exists, he MAY be THAT, which has the power to make your worst nightmares on a PERSONAL LEVEL come true, IF he wants to. FOR EVER. So be VERY careful about WHAT you say about him. On the other hand," --- Satanicus' First Law of Absolute Evil.
  13. "IF God DOESN'T exist, WHO if anyone and if ever, will save you from your Creator?" --- Satanicus' Second Law of Absolute Evil.
  14. "Religion was invented to SAVE US from our Creators" --- Satanicus' Third Law of Absolute Evil.
  15. "The imperfect is drawn to the more imperfect, because that's its purpose" --- First Perfectus' Law.
  16. "There is The PERFECT, but there's also The PERFECT of PERFECTS. Therefore, The PERFECT of PERFECTS is your judge. Prepare to be judged" --- Second Perfectus' Law.
  17. "Blessed are those who expect the worst, for they shall not be disappointed" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount First Forgotten Law.
  18. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they cannot fully fathom the predicament they have gotten themselves into" --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Second Forgotten Law.
  19. "If you do good, expect EVIL to come back to you three-fold. If you do evil, expect evil to come back to you ONE-HUNDRED-FOLD. However NOTE," --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Third Forgotten Law.
  20. "Doing evil, worsens the state of BOTH you and the one you do evil on. Doing good, betters the state of at LEAST the one you do good on. Therefore," --- Jesus' Sermon of the Mount Fourth Forgotten Law.
  21. "You have your own personal nightmares to avoid and people are already in pain, so why make things worse for them? Things are hard enough for you, ALREADY" --- Kolastirion's Corollary of Correct Application of Religion.
  22. "Jesus was right when he said: 'Love thy neighbor'. Cause it's the hardest thing to do, particularly when you realize that EVERYONE HATES you" --- Explanation of the Jesus Law.
  23. "When good comes your way, rejoice. When EVIL comes your way, welcome it and accept it, because if you don't, it might harm you much WORSE than how much you initially thought it would" --- Timorius' Law of Correct Application of Divine Retribution.
  24. "When you wish well for or praise someone, your wish is granted unconditionally" --- Patatrak's First Law of 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
  25. "When you wish ill for or curse someone, your curse falls BOTH on yourself AND the one you curse multiplied by a factor of 100" --- Patatrak's Second Law of 'Love Thy Neighbor' Law.
  26. "Don't worry about the world ending in 2012. Or ANYTIME for that matter, because The Universe likes to keep and TORMENT humanity. FOR EVER" --- Massimus' Law of Infinite Material Inertia.
  27. "Generally speaking, nobody CARES about ANYONE" --- Supremus' Law of Infinite Love Inertia.
  28. "The ideal objective of any intelligent human should NOT be to secure survival on Earth, rather to GET THE FUCK OUT and AWAY from this planet, as soon as possible. Preferably as far AWAY from this planet as possible and for AS LONG as possible" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha First Charismi Law.
  29. "Put another way: Life: A Super-complex universal sequence of operations, which culminated with the creation of planet Earth. A planet which when you see it from up there, you'd not want to approach it with an ten foot pole" --- The Secret Teachings of Buddha Second Charismi Law.
  30. "WHEN and IF you decide to leave, remember that space is synonymous to DISEASE and DANGER, cloaked in DARKNESS and SILENCE, so you might want to reconsider" --- The Teachings of Bones Law.

Reincarnation & Karma

  1. "If you are a devout Christian, afterlife will be a Satanic and diabolical realm, after you die" --- Joeanus' First Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  2. "If you are Satanist, afterlife will be DOUBLY Satanic and Evil" --- Joeanus' Second Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  3. "If you are Hindu, afterlife will be a dream simulation based on Vedic math. Hence, its probability of collapse will ALWAYS be GREATER than zero, after which you will have to reincarnate" --- Joeanus' Third Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  4. "If you are Buddhist, afterlife will be a Quantum Universe Simulation and you will be REQUIRED to solve many IMPORTANT difficult problems. If you manage to solve them, by the time you actually do, you won't be needing to reincarnate again, but you'll STILL be kicked back on Earth because they'll deem you suspiciously dangerous to the Universe" --- Joeanus' Fourth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  5. "If you are Jewish, heaven will be ruled by an insane & unforgiving Jesus who will repeatedly question your failure to believe in him" --- Joeanus' Fifth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  6. "If you believe in Jesus, heaven will be ruled by the Elders of Watch Tower & Tract Society, headed by the angry and tormenting Abrahamic YHVH" --- Joeanus' Sixth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  7. "If you DON'T believe in Jesus, you will be advised by 'the Light', to suitably choose a living couple to serve as PARENTS for your new incarnation. If you don't listen to the Light, you will be kicked back reincarnated in ANY lower life form 'the Light' chooses for you. So you better LISTEN to the Light" --- Joeanus' Seventh Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  8. "If you are a Jehovah's Witness, the afterlife will be a dreamlike continuous cycle between total annihilation and Armageddon with YOU assigned the role of returning Jesus war commander in chief, directing all strategic operations. When you get tired of this role, you'll be kicked back on Earth and reincarnated yet AGAIN, as a member of the Church of Scientology" --- Joeanus' Eighth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  9. "If you are a devout Muslim, in the afterlife you will have 860 transvestite sadomasochist ka'ib houris, who will continuously pester you for homosexual intercourse, until you decide to want to leave and reincarnate AGAIN" --- Joeanus' Ninth Law of Reincarnation & Karma..
  10. "If you believe in Scientology, in the afterlife you will be time locked back in time when Xenu bombed Earth with thermonuclear devices. After being tired of repeatedly witnessing the annihilation, you'll be forced to reincarnate AGAIN, this time as a traitor Nuclear Physicist who will eventually be hunted down and killed by any random country's secret intelligence services" --- Joeanus' Tenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  11. "If you believe in NOTHING (i.e. no metaphysics or religion) or you are an atheist, there won't BE ANY afterlife as per your belief, and you will simply fade into non-existence" --- Joeanus' Eleventh Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  12. "If you believe in EVERYTHING and you are a universalist, believing in ALL possible religions and metaphysics, you will be reincarnated with the excuse that your Karma hasn't CLEARED yet" --- Joeanus' Twelveth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  13. "If you Karma HAS cleared at the time of your death, you will be reincarnated with the excuse that there's NOWHERE to go and all the positions into the higher Locas are already filled by various holy men, saviors, gurus or saints" --- Joeanus' Thirteenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  14. "If you are a Pagan, afterlife will be ruled by FORCE, either by HADES, Odin or Hercules, who will continuously threaten to beat the sh*t out of you if you don't reincarnate and leave Elysian fields alone, because you don't really belong there, as a coward and NOT a HERO" --- Joeanus' Fourteenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  15. "If you are an ATHEIST scientist of the highest caliber, you will meet The The Architect, who will explain to you some of the more elaborate details of the Matrix and how this has been done already SIX times and you have no chance of changing ANYTHING anymore. So you better CHOOSE to reincarnate AGAIN, as the Architect is not in the habit of having further adversaries or anomalies" --- Architect's First Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  16. "If you are a SAINTLY good person who has done nothing but good and has cleared all Karma at the time of your death, you will be prompted to reincarnate to FURTHER help humanity, which needs you NOW (and AGAIN). If you refuse, you will be kicked back AGAIN, with the excuse that you refused to help others, so your Karma has NOT cleared after all" --- Joeanus' Fifteenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  17. "If you are an EVIL and NASTY bastard or psychopath murderer, you will surely be annihilated into non-existence. The Universe doesn't like competition or fair play" --- Joeanus' Sixteenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  18. "If you don't CARE about ANY afterlife, you'll be reincarnated into someone who DOES care in your next life, such as a highly religious or spiritual but uneducated person" --- Joeanus' Seventeenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  19. "If you are a SUPER-INTELLIGENT genius who's figured out that you can't escape reincarnation and try to FIGHT the forces that be after you die, you'll be imprisoned in Tartarus/Hell or thrown in pitch black Erebos ALONE, for trying to overthrow the Status Quo. Or you'll be thrown back to be hosted in one of your previous life descendant's mind, like your son or daughter" --- Bubba's First Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  20. "If you are a total IDIOT or mentally retarded or cripple, you'll be reincarnated as a SLIGHTLY improved version of your past self. Not TOO MUCH improved, but I am sure you'll agree that to be BETTER than non-existence" --- Bubba's Second Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  21. "If you are Stoic or Epicurean, afterlife will be full of temptations, carnal or not and will be capitalist, ruled by fake money. After a while, you'll surely be convinced to WANT to reincarnate AGAIN" --- Bubba's Third Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  22. "If you are a Communist, afterlife will be ruled by insane fascists" --- Bubba's Fourth Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  23. "If you are a hardcore Capitalist, afterlife will be full of communist kibbutzniks" --- Bubba's Fifth Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  24. "If you are a spiritualist-Theosophist, you will be reincarnated as per this very belief, after being convinced by the lords of Karma, the Lipika, who keep super-detailed records of all your past lives and NEVER admit that anyone's Karma is EVER cleared. It is not advised to disagree or try to fight their decision or you may be reincarnated as a communal cockroach in sewers" --- Bubba's Sixth Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  25. "If you are an agnostic, afterlife will be a highly complex unexplainable absurdity. Like being an electron running around inside the circuit board of an Atari 1980's Video Game machine or a Pacman character being chased around by malevolent ghosts, operated by any random arcade addict fat bully - eating a pork sandwich and listening to loud punk rock music, who'll never tire and won't quit the game until he's eradicated you hundreds of times. If you start questioning the game or find a way to escape the board, the bully may stop and kick you back to be reincarnated as a blind cripple who has no way to make a living except by begging and pleading to God for help" --- Bubba's Seventh Unexpected Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  26. "If you are a Daoist, afterlife will be exactly what you'll expect: Absurdly inaccessible and non-describable like the Dao, like trying to make sense of a dream: Fleeting moments of local logical rigidity, sparsely interconnected, all seemingly driven by an unstoppable and indifferent but ineffable source, nowhere to be found and absurd as a whole. In other words, exactly like how The Universe operates through Murphy's Law and Meta-Laws. When you get tired of it all, you'll WANT to reincarnate, to save your sanity from all the residual absurdity" --- Bubba's Eighth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  27. "If you are a philosophical absurdist, afterlife will be perfectly LOGICAL, an Angel of the Lord will explain EVERYTHING to you using higher Mathematics and Philosophy and it will all temporarily MAKE SENSE, in which case you'll WANT to IMMEDIATELY reincarnate, as to avoid the IMMENSE SHAME for not having figured it out ALREADY and to have (yet) ANOTHER chance to prove that you are NOT an IDIOT. Of course, after you reincarnate, you'll (AGAIN) lose all previous memory, so you'll have to (AGAIN) start from SCRATCH. So good luck with that, too" --- Bubba's Ninth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  28. "If you are a Discordian, afterlife will be a ridiculous & absurd chase of a the most beautiful Goddess, Eris, goddess of strife and discord, who's always looking for prospective lovers but who always travels having two constant companions: Ares and Hercules. When one is missing, she's loving the other. Only when BOTH are missing you have a chance. And then, if you do, one of her companions will beat the sh*t out of you for fornicating with her, after he finds out from the Goddess. After you get tired of the relentless beating or chasing this ghost dream, you'll WANT to reincarnate again" --- Bubba's Tenth Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  29. "In short, you only have TWO options in the afterlife: Reincarnation or non-existence. Choose your beliefs WISELY, while you still can. Or, otherwise put:" --- Joe Anus' Major Fundamental Law of Necessary and Unavoidable Reincarnation & Karma.
  30. "No matter WHAT you believe about the afterlife, it will be PRECISELY what you expect the LEAST" --- Joe Anus' Fundamental Corollary to Moracle's Meta-Law for Reincarnation & Karma.
  31. "If you could realize the full extent of your fuck-up responsible for you being born on this planet, you'd immediately commit suicide. In which case, you'd AGAIN be kicked down here, for that very reason" --- Buddha's First Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  32. "If you cannot stand The Truth, you'll have descendants. If you CAN stand The Truth, you'll be made immortal. In either case, your torment will be UNENDING. In the latter case from knowing EVERYTHING, in the former from NEVER knowing ANYTHING" --- Buddha's Second Fundamental Law of Reincarnation & Karma.
  33. "Karma: Life's Law: Pleasure/Pain=constant. Therefore, if you have too much of either, expect too much of the other, too." --- The Law of Karma.
  34. "Because everyone has FINITE tolerance for pain but INFINITE tolerance for pleasure and because humans naturally ALWAYS seek pleasure, pain ALWAYS accumulates as a function of time. Hence," --- First Corollary to the Law of Karma.
  35. "The accumulated pain may strike at ANY future time, in ANY form. PRAY that it doesn't come ALL AT ONCE" --- Second Corollary to The Law of Karma.
  36. "Said differently: Life, eventually becomes INTOLERABLE" --- Third Corollary to The Law of Karma.
  37. "The most efficient use of the Law of Karma, is to either become apathetic or to cause yourself unimaginable amounts of pain IN ADVANCE, to reserve equal amounts of pleasure for the future" --- Tormentius' First Law for the Purpose of Life.
  38. "If you are a junkie for example, it would be best to commit suicide now, because the pain that awaits you won't be manageable using ANY kind of drug or painkiller" --- Tormentius' Second Law for the Purpose of Life.
  39. "Life: UNENDING TORMENT (eventually). Hence," --- Tormentius' Third Law for the Purpose of Life.
  40. "The PURPOSE of life is for The Universe to ultimately convince you to want to die" --- Tormentius' Fourth Law for the Purpose of Life.
  41. "On a higher metaphysical perspective, the purpose of life is for The Universe to convince you to not EVER want to reincarnate or EVER set foot on Earth again" --- Tormentius' Fifth Law for the Purpose of Life.
  42. "Only those who have INFINITE tolerance for pain may petition The Universe for another chance. And then, you get Murphy's Law" --- Tormentius' Sixth Law for the Purpose of Life.
  43. "If you die in your sleep, you may go into ANY available RANDOM dream which you may have dreamt while asleep. If you remember this, it will give you NEW COURAGE to face the next day" --- Tormentius' Seventh Law for the Purpose of Life.
  44. "If you die while awake and you are religious, you will surely reincarnate. If you are an atheist, you will surely go to hell" --- Tormentius' Eighth Law for the Purpose of Life.
  45. "If, after death, you petition The Universe for non-existence, The Universe will GLADLY oblige" --- Tormentius' Ninth Law for the Purpose of Life.
  46. "Only those with INFINITE tolerance for pain set ALL laws of life" --- Tormentius' Tenth and Final Law of Life.

Philosophy & Metaphysics

  1. "For every true fact x, at least one person doesn't know anything about it and doesn't WANT to know anything about it" --- Occult's First Law of Forbidden Knowledge.
  2. "For every false fact y, at least one person knows something about it and is willing to teach you for a fee" --- Occult's Second Law of Forbidden Knowledge.
  3. "Don't be afraid of death. It can't POSSIBLY be worse than the rest of your life" --- Priest's First Law About The Afterlife.
  4. "On the other hand, BE afraid of death. Murphy's Law says it WILL be worse than the rest of your life" --- Priest's Second Law About The Afterlife.

Miscellaneous

  1. "If it's green or it moves, it's biology" --- Murphy's First Fundamental Law of the Major Sciences.
  2. "If it DOESN'T work, it's physics" --- Murphy's Second Fundamental Law of the Major Sciences.
  3. "If it STINKS, it's chemistry" --- Murphy's Third Fundamental Law of the Major Sciences.
  4. "If it DOESN'T make sense, it's economics" --- Murphy's Fourth Fundamental Law of the Great Sciences.
  5. "If you DON'T understand, it's math" --- Murphy's Fifth Fundamental Law of the Great Sciences.
  6. "If anything starts right, it will end up badly" --- Destructus' First Law of Negative Entropy.
  7. "If anything starts badly, it will end up worse" --- Destructus' Second Law of Negative Entropy.
  8. "If anything DOESN'T start at all, it will end up badly, anyway" --- Destructus' Third Law of Negative Entropy.
  9. "NOW is the best time for things to start going wrong" --- Murphy's First Law of When Things Go Wrong.
  10. "If not now, then SOON is the best time for things to start going wrong" --- Murphy's Second Law of When Things Go Wrong.
  11. "If not soon, then things have started going wrong ALREADY" --- Murphy's Third Law of When Things Go Wrong.
  12. "If neither now, nor soon nor have started, then things will start going wrong IMMEDIATELY" --- Murphy's Fourth Law of When Things Go Wrong.
  13. "If most things are going OK, don't worry about it too much. Sooner or later SOME things WILL go wrong - or some things HAVE gone wrong ALREADY" --- Murphy's Fifth Law of What to Do When Things Go Well.
  14. "Reality: Your imagination's worst nightmare" --- Stupendous' Law of What Is Real.
  15. "It is IMPOSSIBLE for something good to happen, without something BAD happening at the same time. However," --- Badluckious' First Law of Random Happenings.
  16. "It is VERY possible for MANY bad things to happen, WITHOUT a good thing happening simultaneously" --- Badluckious' Second Law of Random Happenings.
  17. "No matter what your plans are and what you achieve in life, there's always going to be something that will happen which will destroy or set back those plans. For example, if you find a mate, you will separate. If you find a job, you will be fired. If you win the LOTTO, you will lose all the money, etc. In other words," --- Badluckious' Third Law of Random Happenings.
  18. "Sooner or later, EVERYTHING fails. From marriages, to jobs and friendships" --- Badluckious' Fourth Law of Random Happenings.
  19. "A mistake can be made in a couple of seconds. CORRECTING a mistake takes several life-times" --- Punishmus' First Law of Mistakes.
  20. "The consequence of making a mistake is DEATH. No matter WHAT the mistake" --- Punishmus' Second Law of Mistakes.
  21. "If, what you are saying/writing about at time t, differs greatly from what you are saying/writing about at time t+δt, then you have no idea what you are saying/writing about" --- Punishmus' Law of Good Writing/Speech.
  22. "It's MUCH better to shut the FUCK UP, than say something wrong" --- Punishmus' Third Law of Mistakes.
  23. "The MORE you read, the LESS you understand" --- Planare's First Law.
  24. "The MORE you try, the BIGGER you fall" --- Planare's Second Law.
  25. "The FASTER you travel, the LONGER it takes to get there" --- Planare's Third Law.
  26. "The FASTER you move, the MORE traps you fall into" --- Planare's Fourth Law.
  27. "The SMARTER you are, the STUPIDER people you attract, who will create INFINITE impediments for you" --- Planare's Fifth Law.
  28. "The MORE you push for a desired outcome in any situation, the WORST the result. Therefore:" --- Pusher's First Law.
  29. "The best EXPECTED outcome will come only after you RESIGN from all your efforts trying to achieve it. This would STILL be a bad outcome, but it'll be the best of the worse ones" --- Pusher's Conclusion for First Law.
  30. "The efficiency of transportation is optimal, only when you DON'T use it" --- Planare's Law of Efficiency of Transportation.
  31. "Common sense says that you cannot please all the people, all the time. Murphy's Law says that you cannot please ANYONE, ANY time" --- Commonsensus' Law of Efficiency of Creative Work.
  32. "SUCCESS: An ever decreasing sequence of FAILURES, with limit ZERO" --- Pamfilius' Definition of SUCCESS in this world.
  33. "There is a solution to every problem, but there is an INFINITY of problems, so stop wasting time and start working NOW" --- Problemus' First Law of World's Problems.
  34. "The INFINITE number or PROBLEMS you must solve, has the power of the CONTINUUM" --- Problemus' Second Law of World's Problems.
  35. "Assume everything. Expect NOTHING, or, alternatively," --- Voidus' Law of Safe Assumptions.
  36. "Assume nothing. Expect EVERYTHING" --- Unavoidus' Law of Un-Safe Assumptions.
  37. "MIRACLE: The strange and unlikely phenomenon when The Universe agrees with you and momentarily and temporarily suspends Murphy's Law" --- Corollary of Miraculas' Fundamental meta-Law of Human Experience or 'The Saintly/Godly intervention' Corollary.
  38. "Those who can, do the work. Those who CAN'T, fuck around and have kids" --- Apologius' Law of Human Failures.
  39. "Always strive for what you want and desire, despite knowing that you can never get it. It's the best excuse you have against The Universe for not terminating you prematurely. Alternatively, you can see it as a pleasant way to spend eternity" --- Failius' Law of Recurrent and Perpetual Effort.

Notes

  1. From Cartoons.

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